Thursday, June 21, 2018

Keppin' It Simple

I am ready to ditch my new best friend.


Maybe it’s ‘buyer’s remorse,’ but this new smart phone is confusing and infuriating. Boxes are constantly popping up, and the tiny keyboard is apparently meant for use by ants, or amoeba.


I push buttons and nothing happens. Push buttons and get three websites. Push another button and get a split-screen.


Can’t get rid of the little photos of Facebook friends staring back at me, smiling and watching the show.


It’s cool and sleek, with all the bells and whistles. Lets me take photos larger than a postage stamp and has all kinds of “apps,” including a lady’s husky voice which can direct me where ‘ere I go on the road.


Going off topic, but a friend was able to program his GPS lady with a nice Australian accent, which is only slightly exaggerated here:


“Tuhn roigt in 100 yahds. Tuhn roight in 50 yahds. Tuhn roight onto Elm Street. In 50 yahds, tuhn laift onto Oak Street and have some shrimp on the bahhbie, mate …”


Anyway, I miss my simple, stolid old flip phone. The poor thing is turned off now, de-programmed and left alone in the box the smart phone came in, no doubt lonesome as heck.


The flip phone is not sleek and cool, but it’s reliable. Comfortable as an old shoe, as they say. It only gives me one website at a time. No one is staring back at me.


Can’t get Snapchat or Messenger (the lady navigator is there if I need her, though she might not be an Aussie). But it’s really all I need.


A friend said it looks like Ben Franklin’s cell phone. But I’m certainly not the only one with an 18th-century device.


Our legion of followers also include billionaires Warren Buffett and Jerry Jones (Dallas Cowboys’ owner), actress Scarlett Johansson, and Sen. Chuck Schumer.


"This is the one Alexander Graham Bell gave me," Buffett told journalist/TV personality Piers Morgan, according to


Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck said he’s using a flip phone that’s no longer sold by his service provider, AT&T.


“The phone gets the job done,” he said in the same article at businessinsider. “It can text and make calls, so I don't need anything beyond that."


Hear, Hear!


I am also driving a sleek Honda something-something with less than 4,000 miles on it, loaned to me when a deer (or a rock wall, or a really fast-moving Bigfoot) smashed into the side of my little 2005 Ford Focus, causing fairly extensive damage.


The Honda is amazing. Has the new-car smell, push-button start, the cool camera that lets you see what’s behind you when you’re backing up, a hands-free phone device, a sun roof, and Lord knows how many other amenities I can’t comprehend.


Must be a “heated seats” button around here somewhere.


Am pulling in exotic radio stations like KOWZ in Waseca, which the Focus won’t ‘cause the antenna was broken in a tussle with a garage door.


“Big hits and Best variety. Music from the 1980s through today …


“Liiiiitle Red Corvette!”


Meanwhile, the poor Focus is in the shop, feeling shunned and abandoned, commiserating with the flip phone.


My old car buddy and I have traversed about 159,000 mostly happy miles. He runs great. Just needs a little fixing up on the outside, and we’re back in business.


Oh, man. Enough is enough.


Hang on, buddies. Dad’s gonna pick you back up. Think we’ve still got a few miles to travel together.


Had just stepped into the 21st century. And already I’m poised to head back to the 18th, to watch ol’ Mr. Franklin invent the lightning rod, the flexible catheter, and the 24-hour, three-wheel clock.


Or the 15th and 16th centuries, with Leonardo Da Vinci, who was probably using his flip phone and sitting in his Flintstones-style car when he wrote: “Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”


My kind of guys.

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Steele County Times & DCI

Steele County Times
411 E. Main St.
P.O. Box 247
Blooming Prairie, MN 55917

Dodge County Independent
121 West Main St.
Kasson, MN 55944

Dodge County Printing
121 West Main St.
Kasson, MN 55944


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